My Experience With Grief

There are 7 different types of grief that I have experienced. These have been caused by a few different situations and it makes me feel different in their own ways. We all go through grief. These aren’t the only ways I’ve experienced grief but they are major life events.

This is going to be a very long post because my heart is heavy. I use blogging as a type of therapy and I can certainly use some of that right now.

Each type of grief will be in a different section so it’s easier to read. I wanted to share my experiences and thoughts with you. There’s a lot so let’s get started.

Grief #1

My Poppys Death

My Poppys death wasn’t unexpected. He died in January 2008. He had been dealing with cancer for a few months prior to his death. He wasn’t doing well at all. It was still difficult to deal with his death because I felt like he was a father figure. I lost my Poppy and my dad that day.

Growing up I was in an abusive home. This didn’t only happen to me but to my siblings as well. Thankfully not to the extreme I was but they were abused by my dad. My Poppy was that father figure that we needed in our lives. My Poppy took care of us just like any loving father would.

He treated my Nana with the upmost respect and dignity. He loved her very much. He would do small things for her to make sure that she knew that he loved her. Every morning she would wake up with random notes left by my Poppy letting her know that he loved her. I always wanted a marriage like theirs and I did!!

My Poppy was a hard working man. I remember the long shifts that he had to work. I never remember him complaining about anything. He was a Navy retired man. He fought for my freedom and yours too. He was a great man.

It took me years to finally talk about my Poppy without breaking down in tears. I lost a good man in my life. I wasn’t able to fully greive his death due to a situation that disrupted my blended family. I’ll get to that part here in a second.

Over the past years I’ve been able to focus on resolving grief in different areas of my life. So I’ve been able to greive the loss of my Poppy over the past 4 years or so.

Grief #2

Blended Family Grief

Stepmom life was good at the beginning. For the most part things went smoothly. The four of us (Biomom, her husband, my husband, and I) even met for drinks at a local bar in the city. Things were going well. The Biomom even sent me a sympathy card when my Poppy died. The sympathy card had a $25.00 gift card to Chili’s. She specifically told me to enjoy a dinner with my husband and to share stories about my Poppy with my husband during that dinner.

Three months after I married my husband things quickly became a hostile situation. Pickups and drop offs became very difficult. The Biomom was disrespectful towards my husband in more ways than one, two, three, four, and you get the cycle here..

For example, my bonus daughter had eye surgery when she was 4. My husband was never notified of the surgery until it was done. The Stepfather signed the medical papers where my husband should have signed. The Biomom would have a shit fit if the tables were turned. The lack of respect and honesty is something that was and is severely lacking.

Soon enough the Biomom would manipulate the courts and lie to them about how I abused her child. This cowardly act is a very common tool that is used by a vindictive parent during parental alienation. Let me explain what parental alienation is.

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation is when a parent uses a child to hurt the other parent and/or step parent. The vindictive parent will mentally abuse the child(ren) in order to get what they want. In return the child is mentally abused and manipulated by their parent.

What the vindictive parent wants is to see their ex hurting. The vindictive parent will manipulate their way into causing pain in the other parents life.

They will often go to the extreme of false allegations of child abuse, denying visitation despite court orders, cut off communication between the child and parent, move the child(ren) out of state without notifying the other parent (which is kidnapping), they will change the child’s name to help create a new image for the child, and they will do their best to erase the parent from the child’s life.

A parent who has dealt with parental alienation understands how you can greive over the loss of a child that is still alive. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse yet the family court system does not do anything about it. Why?! Because it’s a money making business. Just Google it and you will see that my story isn’t the only one out there. It’s sad.

Because of the issues and damage that was caused by the Biomom, our blended family doesn’t exist. You can’t work with a toxic person like that. Because of this there is grief that I feel towards my family.

My husband missed out on so many years of making memories with his daughter. He missed school functions. He missed big moments in his daughter’s life. He missed being there for his daughter. He missed out on these things because of his vindictive ex-wife that wanted to see him hurt.

I grieve about this often. His daughter is 16 and he has missed so many things because of this whole situation. My family isn’t the same because of Parental Alienation and the actions of the Biomom. It breaks my heart. This is grief that I’m still working to heal.

Grief Type #4

My Nanas Death

My Nanas death also wasn’t unexpected. She died November 2012. She struggled with her health for a while. My Poppy was great with taking care of her. They loved each other to pieces.

My Nana was a feisty little lady. She was loving but set you straight when needed. She taught me how a mother should care for her family and her home. She treated others with kindness and respect.

She raised her family and stayed behind while my Poppy fought in the war. She was a strong resilient woman. She fought battles that no one knew about but still stood strong.

The day she died I felt completely empty inside because the safe place that I ran to was gone. You see, when a child is abused they find their safe place. My safe place was the home of my Nana and Poppy. My safe place was gone.

This was a grief that I dealt with and it wasn’t easy. I went to therapy several times about this. To this day it still hurts a little but not as bad as its been in the past.

Grief Type #4

My Husband’s Grandmas Death

My husband’s grandmas death wasn’t too unexpected. Unfortunately her health had declined during the holidays. I remember hugging her and telling my husband to grab one more hug. No one really knew that that holiday would be the last time everyone saw her.

Grandma B was a fantastic woman. There was one occasion where her and I bumped heads but she nicely put me in my place. I was younger then. I didn’t understand the bond that my husband and his grandmother had. I misspoke and she corrected me. Thankfully she still loved me and welcomed me into her home.

Little did I know, she would be my rock during the high conflict custody case that would soon follow our marriage due to my my husband’s ex-wife. Grandma B didn’t like the ex-wife either and was there to support me during this awful time.

She was a dear soul and it crushed me to know that my husband lost his grandmother. It’s difficult to lose a loved one. It’s also difficult to watch a love one lose their grandma.

Greif #5

My Cousin’s Death

This one pertains to my cousin. This cousin was on my dad’s side of the family. I was sort of close to my cousins when we were growing up. My mom really doesn’t care for my aunt so we weren’t ever allowed to spend much time with them. As we became older my Cousin C would become my rescuer from my mom and dad’s house.

He lived in the city with his wife and new baby. Cousin C and his wife were needing help with the baby. They offered me a place to live and I would be helping with the baby and working my full time job.

I transferred from the Duncan store that I was working at to the Oklahoma City store where I would continue my job. Cousin C and his wife were more than welcoming to me. Even though he was a cousin he was ornery guy like a big brother would be.

During that time, I thought I would do some stupid things. I thought a boy in Ada seemed more interesting than taking care of my niece and working a full time job too. So I slowly but surely earned my way out of their home. I don’t blame Cousin C for kicking me out. I deserved it. I even apologized to him and his wife for taking advantage of their kindness. Being 19 and stupid wasn’t a good reason and I owed both of them an apology.

Years later Cousin C died from a stupid doctor in Enid who wouldn’t listen to Cousin C. That death story is difficult all in its own because it was a death caused by a doctor in Enid Oklahoma. Because of the doctors actions it made my cousin go into a coma. The coma lasted for a few weeks. Finally Cousin C couldn’t fight anymore.

This has been a different type of grief than the other ones too. This is a death that shocked me. None of us were expecting it. I still find myself grieving over this loss. He wasn’t even 45 years old. He was a young guy with two kids and a wife. This isn’t how any of this is supposed to go.

Grief #6

My Hysterectomy

My hysterectomy has been a different type of grief. As you have already read, I’ve experienced greif on different levels in different ways.

Having a hysterectomy has made me feel like I am less of a woman. It has made me feel incomplete. I feel like I have to compensate for something that I’ve lost. I feel like I am greiving the loss of fertility even though I’ve never wanted to have kids.

It makes me feel like I am missing the old me. The one where I have all of my body parts. I greive because my body is defective and I want a redo. But we all know this isn’t possible. However, that doesn’t stop me from wishing I had a better body that functions well.

I am grieving in a very different way than what I’ve done in the past. I’ve already made a blog post about my hysterectomy greif. So feel free to read it here I Am Still A Woman.

Grief #7

My Dads Death

My dad’s death was unexpected. At least to me it was. My dad and I had a very bad relationship. Even though he hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally, he’s still my dad. Even though he along with my mom stole my social security number to buy the two cars and the house, he’s still my dad.

There’s damage that was done that caused me to be diognosed with PTSD in 2011. This is pain that I deal with on a daily basis. It’s not crippling like it was but I still have my bad days.

After years of therapy I am able to live a life that isn’t completely full of fear. Yes, I still have my trigger times but I know how to cope. I know how to calm myself down.

I haven’t talked to my dad since 2010. Last time I saw him was at my Nana’s funeral but I didn’t talk to him. My final straw was when he stole my SSN number. At that point I was beyond done with his abuse and the lack of respect from him. Any decent parent should respect their child enough not to abuse them. No matter what type of abuse it is much less steal their social security number.

March 17th 2020 was the day my dad died. I woke up to an unexpected text message. I figured it was a spam text that was sent to me early. But it was my oldest sister letting me know that our dad had died.

This whole death in itself is a whole different grieving process. How do you greive the loss of your dad that was abusive towards you? How do you fix this odd feeling that makes you feel nauseated?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. It’s a big question to answer.

Grief

Grief can be felt in many different ways. I just talked about 7 different types of grief that I’ve dealt with since 2008. All of them are so very different in their own ways.

Some of them are mostly not painful but the two last ones are extremely difficult to deal with.

The world is dealing with COVID-19 and I’m over here trying to navigate the loss of my personal life and the loss of my abuser. Man, life is difficult for us all in its own way.

Author: Rebekah B - The Life of Bekah

Happy Wife. Dog Mom. Alienated Stepmom. Life Blogger. Graphic Designer. Content Creator. Brand Rep for Iviana & Co.