I am still a woman. This is something that I constantly have to remind myself of. My uterus is gone. My tubes are gone. My ovaries are gone. But I am still a woman.
The shock of it all is still here but it’s not as bad. Grief comes from knowing that I will never be able to have kids. Even though my husband and I decided not to have babies, it’s still a loss of fertility that I am grieve about.
I grieve about my identity. It’s the loss of my female parts that makes me feel this way. I feel like less of a woman for some reason. I feel like I’m not a complete woman. There are parts of me missing.
Silly things like doing my hair and makeup seem to give me a different meaning and feeling. The first time that I did my hair and makeup after my hysterectomy, I cried. I cried because doing my hair and makeup made me feel like a woman.
I cried because the last time I did my hair and makeup was before my surgery. I had my ovaries then. I had my woman parts.
When you go into surgery thinking it’s going to be a certain way, it’s absolutely shocking when you learn that things didn’t go well. Things didn’t work out the way the doctor had planned.
Life is different. I feel different. I feel like I’m still grieving. I’m grieving over the time I took for granted as being a whole woman. Every single part of my body that is a woman was there but now some of those parts are gone.
I didn’t think about grieving in this type of way. I didn’t think it would be this emotionally draining but it is. Even though I have my husband to lean on, this is still a difficult journey to navigate through.
I might be physically healing up okay. But emotionally I’m not okay. This is a much different type of grief than any other thing I’ve ever experienced.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I am still a woman even though my ovaries are gone.